The Erotic Muse: Exotic Magazine (August 2015)


If, according to that old adage, the definition of "insanity" is doing the same thing multiple times and expecting a different result, I still haven’t figured out what the definition of "weird" is.

If "weird" means the opposite of "normal", and "normal" is determined by the actions of the majority in a specified population, have we all gone normal? Is it weird that most men and women in the lap dance room will reach for my hand and hold it? But you thought all lap dances were for grinding, perhaps. Is it weird, that I have a proclivity to shove as much cock, fingers and toy inside my vagina, when I’m playing with a trusted partner, that the fantasy of being stretched fulfills me? Is it weird that reading this, you were surprised by that? But you thought all pussies should be small, yes? Some might think it is weird how many men have actually paid for sex acts, i.e., engaged in the dreaded p-word: prostitution. And yet so many men in my life have belied to me one of their deepest, most closely held secrets... "Well, sometimes you’re on the road and you want a hand job..."

Elle at a Less-Than-Weird Angle
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Is it weird that, at 20%, foot fetish is the most common documented fetish among American males? Is Quentin Tarantino onto something? What is weird? What do you do, that you’d consider weird? Flossing your teeth in traffic? That’s multi-tasking and hygiene, man. Examining your turds in the toilet, post-poop? That’s not weird, it’s important to know how your diet is treating you! Are you too scared to ask your girlfriend to blow your best friend? That’s also pretty common porn-skit scenario, and yet, probably considered weird.

For as long as there has been a pop culture in America, norms have been determined by people with the most money, and the widest reach, typically, advertisers and media.

Upon typing "weird sex" into Google, the second link was a Cosmopolitan piece about uncommon sex toys. The tagline: "Not to be judgmental but if you own any of these, we're worried about you" seems hypocritical at best, even for the bottom-feeders who do subscribe to Cosmo’s abhorrent way of pandering to women. I do a quick look for the results of "weird fetish", and find that CBS news has a list of it’s own seventeen strange sexual kicks, four of which I regularly enjoy. Am I weird? Oh gee, time to call the doctor.

Looking Down on Weird
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Not really. And while plenty of us are guilty of poking fun at the things that seem different than what the majority enjoys, myself included, it seems more beneficial to humanity to actually delight in the quirks that exist in all of us. Like, the balloon guy phenomenon. About two months ago, dozens of strippers in Portland began receiving identical messages from the same stranger, via Facebook. The request seemed innocuous enough; sit on and pop a bunch of balloons for this man’s enjoyment. Each message was identical, even the typos, and it was obvious that he was sending them en masse. Some of us responded, some of us rolled eyes, but I don’t know that any of us took part in his solicitation. Here’s the odd part: when discussing the price of aforementioned service, the man either bartered the price, or just directed the conversation back to balloon popping. My sneaking suspicion is that this guy was never going to actually pay for a woman to sit on balloons, but rather, it was the act of sending these messages that excites him. I could be wrong. But I don’t think I am. Is it harmful to send messages such as these? Hardly. A total waste of someone’s time, perhaps. And yet one person that I’d like to tip my proverbial hat to is the guy who entered Devil’s Point last year, and paid a stripper to smash a pie in his face. And that must have been delightful! For him, for the woman who was paid to push custard or cream onto a willing participant’s face for pay, and for any and all onlookers. We thank you sir, for your service.

Reading for the Articles is Weird
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Is it insanity to make people feel bad for their harmless quirks? Probably. And yet we keep doing it. I believe it’s insane to wear patchouli oil, because it reminds me of the scent of hot garbage, and yet so many people do it. Am I weird? Or am I just an elitist stripper hipster? Regardless, my opinion is subjective as anyone else’s, and that doesn’t mean shit, so don’t take it personally if I think you smell like trash left to rot in the sun.

Porn clerks, strippers and those who sell sexual services have the best notion of what is "normal" as in "common", compared to civilians, and we are given the gift of examining "normalcy" from a unique perspective, the inside. Another fine example of this is the fetishization of fat chicks. That’s right, I said it. Fat chicks. No euphemisms needed. Curvy women, large ladies, BBW, whatever. In many porn shops, you’ll find the section for bigger gals is located in or near the fetish shelf, but when we remember that 40% of American population falls into the category of "cosmetically overweight", does this even make sense that we isolate these actresses as a rarity? And why the hell is "interracial" still a thing? I know I’m not the only person who has bumped fuzzies with someone who has more or less melanin content in their skin.

Do Not Confuse Apathy for Weirdness
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I don’t believe that Portland is weird. I think we are just stretching our arms to see how far we can push it, while still looking cool and apathetic. Naked Bike Ride is not weird. Slutwalk is not weird. Wearing a fuzzy unicorn costume in ninety-degree weather is going to put you at risk for heatstroke, but it’s not weird. We are, however, totally insane. For thinking that the same oppressive, slut-shaming, man-hating attitudes that got so many Republicans elected in the past won’t continue to haunt our existence. It’s time to get wise and start talking about what really excites us. Hi, my name is Elle. I like big vibrators, veggie burritos, and blues-rock. Sometimes, while he’s inside of me, I love to ask a man to call me a "slut", and watch his eyes widen in shock, fear, or excitement. I don’t think that’s weird. I think that’s progress. I think I’m pretty normal. So tell me, what do you like?

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