I am a woman who unabashedly loves men. I love them short, I love them tall, and I love them bearded, shaved, bald, trim, or chunky. I love the way they smell; I love the scratch of a stubbled jaw against my cheek. How do I adore men? I could count the ways.
However, I only interact with men (and other people) who view me as an equal—I only fuck feminists. Why? Feminist men are better at sex and are more likely to experience shared mutual pleasure with their partners. Obviously everyone wants to think they are outstanding in the bedroom, but, ever-the-intrepid-scientist, I’ve fucked around and I hereby make my case that men who view women as equal are better lovers.
Don’t buy in to hetero-normative sex roles: there are no rules for "how sex should be." For example, straight guys like anal play too, not all women want to be penetrated vaginally, and dominant/submissive roles can be flipped to everyone’s enjoyment. But for many Americans, anything other than penis-in-vagina-with-your-mongamous-partner-sex is seen as shameful or immoral. And it’s no shocker that people with socially conservative politics tend to echo those restrictive beliefs when it comes to life between the sheets.
As a former porn clerk of four years, I sometimes witnessed people who felt threatened by a battery-powered device, or scrap of rubber. And why? These items are tools designed to build pleasure for individuals and for couples. We simply must become more flexible with our sexuality, and that means encouraging our partners to masturbate without us, watch porn without us, and to fantasize about whatever turns them on. My sexual satisfaction does not rely on my partner’s desires, and neither should yours, regardless of your gender.
I’ll never forget the rush of blood that shot straight to my nether regions when my 6’3" Tinder date began nuzzling and licking my fuzzy armpits. I was actually impressed that a hetero adult male wouldn’t be offended by my natural body hair. Sometimes I shave, and sometimes I don’t.
Also, the licking felt amazing.
In contrast, I recall the young man in college who, mid-snuggle, jerked his hand away from my less than baby-soft thigh like I’d stabbed him, "You didn’t shave your legs!" I suppose that he was angry and horrified that I hadn’t been removing my body hair in perpetuity. With that one reaction I realized I would never go on a second date with this man. My hygiene is impeccable, but yes I also fart and get my period, grow up dude. If you want me to look like a love doll you had better be paying for that investment. And that’s when I realized:
I applaud the men and women who take it upon themselves to find good, scientific sex education for the questions that they have. This means educating yourself by seeking out good sexual health and education resources.
No, healthy sex will not stretch out a vagina. No, vaginal ejaculate is not the same as urine (although it contains urea, just like your sweat). Yes, you need to lubricate an anus before you attempt penetration. The G-spot is on the front wall of the vagina, about two inches in. Masturbation will not wear down your skin. You’ll feel more penetration if you fuck more slowly than what is often seen on Redtube. You’re not a Dom just because you like to slap someone or choke them, and indeed you can hurt or kill your partner if you don’t have a basic understanding of what safe and consensual S&M is.
These are a few basic things that a massive amount of Americans simply don’t know. "You can’t have a dildo bigger than my penis" is a sentiment of dudes who feel inadequate about their penises, and who also falsely believe that bigger toys will "stretch out" their partners. The vagina is comprised of muscles, and when aroused can expand greatly. A big dildo is not going to change the shape of her vagina during safe and healthy sex. Additionally, much erectile dysfunction is due to anxiety, diet, or drug use, and there’s nothing "wrong" with a person who can’t get rock hard at the drop of a hat. I can’t always get wet when I want to, either, and that’s normal.
Sex & Consent Educator Yana Tallon-Hicks agrees, "Broadly speaking, [hehe, pun not intended] I understand a feminist as someone who believes in and acts for the political, social, and relational equality of all genders. Feminist men have done their research about how to find my clitoris, they don’t have baggage standing in the way of asking me exactly how I like to be effed, and they understand that it’s going to take more than a little spit and penetration to get me off."
Men who need to feel superior over women, i.e. misogynists, are emotionally insecure. Misogynists are the same people who frequently and openly shame others. Placing expectations on women’s bodies makes women uncomfortable. We aren’t going to feel safe throwing off our bras and spanx if we’ve previously heard you talk shit on a woman’s cellulite or stretch marks. Similarly, it is a misogynist’s tactic to call a woman "ugly" or "fat" when you disagree with her thoughts or with her politics.
Little girls grow up hearing these comments. All women have heard these comments. And believe it or not, these words do cause us to question our perceived value, and make us less likely to comfortably share our bodies with men who fling body-shaming insults. This isn’t rocket science, it’s straightforward cause-and-effect.
Certified sexuality counselor Buster Ross agrees, "If you’re going to be able to really fuck your partner, chances are you need to be comfortable with their body, you need to have de-conditioned the moralistic and violent messages of the culture that are as anti-men as anti-women,"
"I look around and see countless people who seek out heavy quantities of alcohol and drugs, in order to lower their inhibitions and have the sex that they want to be having. Their guilt and shame prevents them from being honest with themselves, not to mention the real lack of education in having conversations about sex with each other. People are shamed, get wasted, fuck carelessly, and get hurt" adds Ross.
Hey Doods, your female partners will literally open up to you if they trust you. I call it being "sexually receptive." My heart, my mind and my vulva will open up to a person that I deem worthy of them. Trust is gained over time and experience. There is rarely a short route to easy, mutual pleasure. If you find women that you can talk and connect with, you’ll be invested in sharing mutual pleasure, rather than just looking for an opportunity to lazily blow your load. Men who brag about any opportunity to penetrate a warm, dark orifice are the same guys who have never once given a woman an orgasm.
If a man is pushy in a bar or other public place, that is evidence that he will be pushy and coercive in a private space. And since it behooves me to not let someone inside my body if I think they are going to hurt me, I waste no time on men who push my boundaries, be it in a bar or in bed. Men who coerce women often don’t even realize that they are behaving predatorily, because this culture has raised them to pursue sex like a prize.
"If I want to explore my erotic edges or a new kink with a cis-man, I’m going to do it with a feminist one. If I want a guy to rough me up, degrade me, and call me a "whore" during sex, I want the safety and security of knowing that he deeply knows this kink dynamic is consensual play," adds sex educator Yana Tallon-Hicks.
Porn star Kimberly Kane recently told me a story, "I just had a wonderful sexual experience with a male feminist last night. I asked him to penetrate me from behind and he suggested that I lay flat on the bed. I love that position but it wasn’t what I was thinking. After sex, we were talking and I mentioned how much I loved that position we did. He said that regular doggie is usually "for the man’s pleasure" and he prefers to have sex in positions that feels best for the woman. That was pretty much the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard a man say about sex."
Men: we need you to be a little more vulnerable and open. I want all of you to understand that you are in fact lovable, if you’d stop trying to be so "tough" all of the time. Don’t take it personally if she doesn’t get wet immediately, and please stop mimicking stuff that you’ve seen in porn. Watching porn and mimicking it exactly is akin to viewing an action film and then driving your car like a stunt person: you’re a douche for not considering that entertainment is not IRL.
Women: stop demanding an orgasm but rather, start suggesting to your partner how you’d like to be touched. Men can’t be expected to know how to please their partners if their partners are unflinchingly uncommunicative.
"I like it when..."
"It feels good if you..."
"I really enjoy..."
And everyone: please toss out your boring, limiting, ideas about coitus: it is NOT just about putting a penis in a vagina. Sex is anything that is touch with the intention of giving or sharing pleasure, whether it be with yourself or with others.
In sum, there is a dire need for basic connections between people of different genders. In order to undermine the systemic roots of sexual violence and power disparity, we must closely examine the ethics of our most intimate encounters. I do not reward sexist behavior, and so I do not have sex with misogynists or racists, or transphobes. An entire society is nurtured when people exchange touch with consent and with awareness of everyone’s health and safety. And in 2017 that surely shouldn’t be too much to ask.
PS: if this piece pissed you off, you are exactly the kind of person for which it is intended.
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