I’ve given approximately 20,000 lap dances. Some have been pleasurable, some were repulsive, some have been downright perplexing. And, of course, I can’t possibly recall the vast majority of them.
Do you ever drive to work, so lost in other thoughts, that you barely have to consider your route? Once at work do you find yourself mimicking the same actions, repeating movements due to muscle memory, without calculation? You’re not alone. You’re actually in a very common low level of hypnosis.
What does a hard-working American stripper think about while she shakes her money maker? Drumpf? Cuba’s new alliance with the US? Did I remember to shave my butthole? I started asking my stripper peers what goes on up above while they’re shaking down below to find out whether I’m the only one whose mind wanders while I shimmy around unsuspecting businessmen.
Turns out, I’m not.
"How many lap dances is it per college credit?"- Kallista, 27
I’m about that (math) life. "Time is money" is a cliché and yet applicable when you work for gratuities. Anyone who works in the service industry knows this.
"Eggs, milk, cereal, chicken breasts, my breasts, coffee, apples, coffee..."- Xia, 27
It’s true; some lap dances are especially catered to the recipient. But some are so mundane that I’m literally making a mental grocery list while I gyrate, massage, or wiggle. But who is to say that the customer isn’t doing the exact same thing?
"Oh this guy is definitely a serial killer"- Sin, 27
"Your legs would look good mounted on the hood of my car." OK, so not all interactions are tender and poignant. Sometimes my face hurts from wearing a fake smile, hoping my client doesn’t whisper some Hannibal Lecter-type shit in my ear. "Your clitoris looks chewy." Yeah. That’s a real quote. It’s nice to have hand signals to nearby bouncers. A thumbs-up to security in my circles means, "I’m fine." An "A-OK" means, "HALP!"
"I really hope my tampon was changed recently enough"- Misty, 24
Only the bravest of strippers wear white when ragging. Or the very foolish.
"Ugh, what drugs is he on?"- Robin, 31
Stripper smile is learned when you’re subjected to the disjointed, incoherent ramblings of a drunken client. If one is talking so rapidly, or under their breath, I might just nod and smile, and hope that they aren’t telling me that they like to kick puppies.
"This guy smells so bad"- M., 25
Sometimes strippers wears a ton of perfume so civilians can’t smell our BO; and sometimes the stripper wears a ton of perfume so that she can’t smell yours.
Dudes. Ladies. Take an effing shower before you venture in for some semi-naked friction. Really, the lappy will be better for both of us if you don’t reek of whatever you rolled in earlier. And if you happen to be so smelly, I might decline your request for a private dance altogether (oh yes, that has happened). Because I can’t make money for the rest of the shift if you’ve essentially skunked up my skin.
"That was exactly what I needed"- Sagan, 25
We all need a little tenderness. And since women are seen as natural nurturers, it makes sense that people of all genders feel safe enough to seek out some gentle touch from a scantily clad lady. I call these strippers "underwear therapists," as we provide judgment-free ears to listen to your woes, or otherwise give a good scalp rub or shoulder massage.
"I had a very rugged man come in after a long day of masonry and while I was giving him a dance I was thinking to myself how wonderful it must feel to have a soft, sweet, and bubbly lady all over you after a long day of hard labor. I found so much joy in that moment and for men who are truly lonely getting to feel that someone cares. It’s important and I am truly thankful I get to provide that for the world."- Lolita, 23
It’s a beautiful thing to share a sexual or intimate connection with a stranger, get paid for it, and then never see them again. It’s like a one-night stand, but with money... and without awkward mornings.
"I visualize every customer as Johnny Depp in Cry-Baby"- Bijou, 31
Daniel Craig as James Bond. Harrison Ford as ’80s-era Indiana Jones. Idris Elba would be a great James Bond. James Bond. Olivia Munn. Laverne Cox. The last cop that pulled me over. So what if I need to tap into my imaginary spank bank in order to get a little closer to a client? A little fantasy never hurts anyone... especially if it renders hotter results for both of us.
"Usually I’m just trying not to fart"
When polled, respondents gave this answer more than once. If you want to talk about professionalism and athletic endurance, try holding in your bubble guts for an hour of VIP.
Active listening is exhausting, and so unnecessary for most tasks. Do you really think your dentist isn’t zoning out while scraping plaque off of your canines? Of course they are. Whether you floss teeth, or wear butt floss, here’s to those little mental vacations that make your duties a bit less arduous.
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