Sunday, June 18th, 2017
Yesterday at Pride I saw a small group of teens react negatively to someone wearing a doggy kink/play mask, and for a second I was annoyed. But then I realized that as a teenager, I used to talk a lot of shit on things that I now happily engage in as an adult. And this makes me happy, because I’m reminded that people can grow and become more secure.
Friday, June 16th, 2017
I block those "hot tattooed girls" Instagram accounts if they don’t credit the person in the photo. If you want to support the women whose photos they steal (and I do), ask them in the comments why they don’t credit the model.
Thursday, June 15th, 2017
My cell recognizes "reddit trolls" when I type.
Tuesday, June 13th, 2017
"Pride is a party for people to celebrate love, and to celebrate liking themselves"—how I explain Portland Pride to my five year old.
See you down there on Saturday. You’re welcome to approach us, just please don’t pat her head, she hates that.
Sunday, June 11th, 2017
One of my buddies just showed me a pic of himself in a ripped open shirt, handcuffed and bound and being fed Taco Bell and I’m so honored to be able to bear witness to the sexually exploratory activities of my frenz, even if I have concerns about their stained laundry and their non-nutritional food choices.
Friday, June 9th, 2017
Unzipped PDX: Two Strippers and a Sex Therapist has two more advertising slots to fill for Season 2, and we are running a special on rates that saves up to 60%. If you’re a local bizness, get at me, ATTN: Elle, Fuck@unzippedpdx.com.
Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
Last night when I was eating my post-shift dinner in the dark I enjoyed all of your #covfefe posts.
By the time I’m posting this now, a full day later, this gaffe is already on it’s way to being replaced by the next ridiculous Trump blunder that I will wake up to, tomorrow morning.
Sunday, May 28th, 2017
I don’t support penile circumcision but I sure as heck don’t believe it to be comparable to a clitorectomy or any other type of vulva mutilation. Lemme hear from my doctor frenz?
EDITED TO ADD:
In the most severe types of vaginal "circumcision", all the external genitalia is cut off, sewn shut around a straw that is inserted to allow for urination/eventual menstruation.
When a person is subsequently penetrated with penis, or gives birth, the skin tears and rips to allow for this. Fistulas, anyone? This is so much different than a penile foreskin removal.
Saturday, May 27th, 2017
Boyfriend is watching me chomp some fried asparagus and garlic aioli, and muses, "Your pee is going to taste great later".
I love him.
Thursday, May 25th, 2017
Gawd bless editors, for making writers/musicians/podcasters sound smarter than we actually are.
Monday, May 22nd, 2017
This morning’s edition of spring cleaning features finding [deceased] dog hair that is stuck to melted dildos which predate my last marriage.
Friday, May 19th, 2017
I’ve been in this dressing room for seven minutes and I can hear someone playing Soundgarden from their stage.
Thursday, May 19th, 2017
IDGAF about the faux male romper trend because it’s a viral example of how men must strive to be masculine and that any clothing that looks non-masculine is HILARIOUS but newsflash we all look like amorphous toddlers in rompers the end.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
I had a nice seven hours of sleep last night, I’ve been awake since 6 a.m but I’m caffeinated. Come on strip club, bring on the weird.
Thursday, May 4th, 2017
I’m not gonna move out of the U.S. I’m gonna grow a garden, freeze my locally raised meats, dig a well for water, hide an immigrant family in my attic, register as a Muslim, become fluent in Spanish, not give $ to Uber/UnderArmour/NewBalance (biz that supports DT), instead give $ to #plannedparenthood, grow my armpit hair, and keep on practicing consent when I fuck people in every gender and color of the rainbow.
Although she founded a website with the f-word in the title, #MeghanMurphy is anti-trans, anti-sex work, and absolutely not a feminist.
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2017
There is a man selling water bottles for $2 at the entrance to the freeway at Interstate and 5. He’s got a cooler, a sign, a smile, and a hat. And it’s the hottest day of the new year and this hustle is 10/10.
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017
Tonight at the club a lady dumped a piled of ones on the stage and when I threw the pile like "weeeee!" I didn’t know that her clutch purse was buried underneath, so what began as a party-like gesture ended up with her stuff on the other end of the stage. Everything was fine, nothing was broken, I apologized, and being a stripper is humbling, the end.
Monday, May 1st, 2017
If you’re downtown for May Day protests, please keep in mind that violence has escalated on both sides, and if you’re a woman, don’t expect anyone to be chivalrous in a street fight melee. #mayday
Sunday, April 30th, 2017
If you’re a person who has survived sexual assault, will you tell your children about it? Why or why not? No judgements here, but this came up during lunch with a friend, and now I’m thinking.
I’m curious as to how it might affect the world, if mommies and daddies could offer a firsthand account of their experiences: If it would make children more self aware, more empathetic, more deliberate in their actions and language around rape and non consensual touch, if offered a real example of how It Can Happen To You, or Don’t Do This To Other People.
Wednesday, April 26th, 2017
Let’s jump right in. Things that minimize or reduce my chronic depression/mania, and how.
Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences. Let’s group source this list of ideas.
- Forcing myself to go for a walk, because I know that I will feel more mentally clear, 95% of the time. Even if it’s raining. Just bundle up like an amorphous blob and hope I don’t see anybody that I know.
- Eating a vegetable when I want to eat potato chips. We should be old enough to recognize pointless cravings, do you want salt? Sugar? Are you really just dehydrated and hungry? If I’m super depressed I’ll quick fry asparagus/brussels/kale in olive oil and garlic salt. I feel good about myself because I "cooked", and I ate something nutritionally dense, and more filling.
- Setting a million alarms and reminders on my phone, so that I don’t forget anything, which is one of my greatest fears.
- Reminding myself that if I do forget something, whether it’s my work shoes or a house key, It’s not the end of the world and that nobody is dead or dying, and that I’m lucky to be inconvenienced in a minor way. Reading bad news reminds me that my life is very much intact. Yesterday I was frustrated with Raven because she was refusing bed time, and then I remembered the story about the missing 21 year old’s body being found in the trunk of his car, that day. At that moment, his parents were probably living their worst nightmare. I was grateful to be able to be so frustrated at my daughter, and my anger with her dissipated.
- Having a notebook or five, and remaking to-do lists throughout the day, and feeling deeply satisfied when I scratch anything off of it, even if it’s "clean kitchen" or "call grandparents".
- Texting a close friend and asking if I can call them, because "I could use somebody to vent to". It’s a really nice way to connect, with someone’s actual voice, not just a text screen.
- Making and drinking tea when I feel anxious. I dunno, it feels like a minor ritual and it works to calm me.
- Setting a time limit to my social media use, and following it. It’s rad to get your (real) news from the interwebz, especially for those of us who live on a budget and don’t buy cable, but mindless scrolling and obsessive comment clicking is a massive time suck and a manic method of binging.
- Reminding myself that it’s okay to have a few piles of mess, and it’s not unreasonable to move the piles around for a week before putting them away. I will tell myself that I can watch Samantha Bee or Jon Oliver while I put laundry away, so that I"m still multi-tasking.
- Being honest with the fact that I don’t get enough sleep most of the time, and that being an insomniac makes all of these symptoms worse. When I feel rested, I feel way better.
Friday, April 21st, 2017
I can’t wait until I start seeing Yelp reviews about "the stripper with the glittery gold butt hole" at Lucky Devil Lounge.
April, 15th, 2017
What slur(s) are you? I’m stoned and chatting with Chris Ettrick, and I just realized I’m a card-carrying member of the "slut/whore" club. What do you usually hear, if someone online/driving-by/beating you up/discriminating against you?
This is the part where people who post things like "Mick" and "Bastard" come in and realize that they’ve never been overwhelmingly discriminated against.
April 15th, 2017
Thank you to Kiska and New Belgium beer. I’m thrilled to announce our newest sponsors of the Live Taping and Pop-Up Strip Club for Planned Parenthood;
You could win free beer, or a free pole lesson!
AND we want YOUR sex and dating questions for the show.
Give em. Email all inquiries, fan mail, hate mail and dick pics to Fuck@UnzippedPDX.com
April 12th, 2017
Gimme a Misfits cover band where the vocalist sounds like Hank Hill. Because that’s what The Misfits remind me of.
April 11th, 2017
I think that the media is going to mislabel today’s shooting as "school violence" when it was actually a deadly conclusion to an abusive relationship and/or domestic violence. Remember folks, American women are most likely to (prematurely) die at the hands of their current or former male partner! Yeehaw.
April 10th, 2017
I’ve been sat in the hairdresser chair for two hours and with cell phone in hand and I find myself mindlessly scrolling and leaving comments more negative than usual.
I am evidence that internet trolls are people without Real Things to do.
April 9th, 2017
Video game idea: sex workers battle each other and we call it World of Whorecraft.
Weapons include: throwing of internet shade, hash tagging accusations against the other, stolen heels, and outfit ideas we’ve copied from other ladies.
April 8th, 2017
Being on the same poop schedule as your loved one(s) and sharing a bathroom: thumbs down.
April 6th, 2017
Another President, another quagmire: How the heck can we engage in war with Syria w/o killing a ton of civilians? ... oh wait. #trumpsamerica
April 6nd, 2017
Once again, the "vagina" is the inner part of you, the "vulva" is the visible part: lips/clit/lips/mound.
How are we getting mad at dOOds for not finding our clits when we can’t even name our parts correctly in the first place?
Thursday, March 16th, 2017
Vagina: the inside parts
Vulva: the outside parts
Tuesday, March 14th, 2017
I am so grateful for the bouncers with which I work.
If you know what it’s like to work in a sexually charged space with strangers that are oftentimes inebriated and unpredictable, you appreciate the presence of a calm, rational security expert who excels in conflict resolution.
Specifically, my coworkers Rick Johnson and Adam Weyeneth know that our roles as adult-entertainers do not mean that we are deserving of harassment or harm. Thank.You.
Monday, March 13th, 2017
Shutting closet doors and closing shower curtains is my favorite method of tidying up. Schrodinger’s mess. It’s not there if you can’t see it.
Saturday, March 11th, 2017
If you’re curious what strippers do in their "off" time, here’s a typical Saturday for me:
- goes through social media messages, texts
- eats microwaved burrito
- coffee, clean kitchen, clean bathroom
- meetup with ex, I wax his nostrils in my kitchen
- he helps me hang a photo-print that I purchased, for my living room
- plans Sunday brunch with boyfriend’s mom, reminds self to not swear overtly
- watches webinar, takes quiz on veteran injuries that affect sexual performance, gets 100% grade (now I know what IEDs can do to brains and bodies, and I learned that flayed penises are a thing)
- scrolls through IG and FB while on the potty, admires clean bathroom
- emails clients for catering company that specializes in tamales, per clients request
- texts boyfriend squishy "i miss you"s
- plays with dog, realizes dog needs a bath
- writes a thing for Romper, hopes editor doesn’t hate it
- masturbates to two minutes of girl-girl porn on pornhub
- checks email for hate mail
- texts ex-husband re: daughter’s impending birthday
- makes sandwich, eats it while standing
- realizes that hip sockets are sore, considers stretching more
- tells self that I will stretch while stoned, I’ll sit longer
- preps for martial art class
-posts about it on Facebook.
Tuesday, March 7th, 2017
I think that the Day Without a Woman has it’s parallels to the Day Without a Mexican; it’s base purpose is to point out how vital these groups of people are to our nation’s workforce and to society.
However, only some people have the privilege of being able to shirk their work duties, forfeit potential income, and thumb their nose at the establishment and at their employer.
I am not angry at anyone who chooses to participate in tomorrow’s protest, but I ask that protestors understand why plenty other women will clock in as usual.
It’s not that we want to, it’s that some of us really don’t get to make that kind of choice.
Monday, March 6th, 2017
"Why do you smell like syrup?"
"Oh, I have a perfume made in that scent."
"That's a brilliant idea, because I always get a boner at the brunch table."
Thursday, March 2nd, 2017
Boyfriend refuses the addition of pineapple on my side of the oven pizza.
I threaten elimination of a sex act for the rest of our relationship
He is currently slicing and placing pineapple on my side of the oven pizza.
Wednesday, March 1st, 2017
True story. Ladies and gentlemen, stop thinking that strippers are hell-bent on disrupting your home life. We have our own lives. New episode every Friday; let's talk stripper-hate. UnzippedPDX.com, Listen on iTunes, Soundcloud and StitcherApp. Email your sex and dating Qs to Fuck@unzippedpdx.com
Tuesday, February 28th, 2017
A moment of silence for all of the words that will be abused and overused during the POTUS speech.
Sunday, February 26th, 2017
I got to witness the truest love last night when I was was giving a pair of betrothed poly people a handful of private dances. They kissed as I tugged on his beard and stroked her hair.
She turned to smile brightly in the dark red room and exclaimed, "I get to marry this man tomorrow!"
I see a lot of couples, and it's always interesting to digest the dynamic between two strangers in a relationship. But these two were so mutually calm and in sync with each other, I was honored to be near to that kind of intimacy, and I have no doubts about their future happiness.
Congratulations, S and A.
Sunday, February 12th, 2017
I just got to pull my sweater over my head and be The Great Cornholio, onstage. That’s what happens when your audience is a boisterous group of thirty-year-olds.
Watch "Paris is Burning", on Netflix. It’s a 1987 film about Harlem drag. It’s pretty amazing how incredibly oppressed people will find ways to express themselves. Also, now I see how Madonna ripped off "vogue-ing" from Black queer and trans people.
Saturday, February 11th, 2017
That thing when a newbie customer says,
"I’ll give you a dollar for every pull-up you can do",
and you get to smirk over your shoulder and grin,
"You sure about that?"
...Good times had by all.
Friday, February 10th, 2017
It’s so surreal to have a strip club patron gift you a pin that contains the hashtag that you started. #yesastripper is a response to the whorephobic #notastripper, and I’m glad that the professional pole community has spoken so loudly. Check out the stripper pins and merch on Jacqthestripper.com.
Thursday, February 9th, 2017
Last week, a man came in to tell me how much he hates the way that I smell, (the syrup scent) and I do remember him because he did this the last time:
He bought four dances without any coercion, and throughout, kept telling me how ridiculous/silly/absurd/crazy/weird I am for smelling like vanilla/syrup/waffles/pancakes/breakfast/Canada.
There are a dozen ways, to span fifteen minutes, while deflecting pointless criticism in a sing-song voice, and with a smile and a few winks. After fifteen minutes, I start repeating the script. I thanked him, gave him a hug, he laughed and left.
It is a stripper thing, to be an object of desire while simultaneously critiqued. I have no negative feelings about this, but it’s amazing how common "negging" is.
Saturday, January 28th, 2017
It’s becoming more difficult to be flippantly perverse due to the severity of the political climate.
However, I think that it is important to be vocal about our sexual proclivities and to talk about those of us who proudly live on the fuckery peripheries, because sexual freedom is integral to social freedom.
Friday, January 27th, 2017
The woman who pushed past me in the coffee line and dropped her spoon on the floor (I hate littering) is now talking loudly to others about how she just moved to Portland from St Louis and is "very disappointed" in "the politics of people and the riots". My flight is delayed, I’m scheduled to work in two hours, and I’m thinking that this is a good time to complain on Facebook.
Thursday, 26th, 2017
Do you think Willy Nelson’s braids hit people in the face when he fucks them?
My iPhone always autocorrects "erections" to "elections", and I don’t even want to think about elections for a while, so this is doubly annoying.
Tuesday, January 24th, 2017
I didn’t cry on Election night, I didn’t even cry on Inauguration Day.
These executive orders are killing me though.
Sunday, January 22nd, 2017
1/3 of men have concerns about premature ejaculation, according to my lecturer*. So, dudes, if you do, you’re not alone. There should be some comfort in this information, and that’s why I’m posting here.
*Clinical Sexuality Educator, Paul R. Nelson, ISEE.
Saturday, January 21st, 2017
I really don’t want to become a politician but a bitch might have to.
To clarify; last night I attended a fundraiser, and watched Rep. Earl Blumenauer speak, and these words still ring in my ears,
"We need more women in politics. When women enter into the political sphere, the game changes. When Nancy Pelosi became Speaker, it changed Obama for the better. He had some wins and losses, but he was better for listening to her...
Did you know that Gov. Kate Brown, our Governor, is the only current Democrat and female Governor in all of our fifty states? The only one. In the coming years, we will need more women in politics. Join the PTA, join a board, become a representative to your district, find out who your reps are. We will need more women in politics, to fight our President for the next four years."
Here’s the thing, we can wear pussy hats, wear feminism chants on t-shirts, sell or post our sexy photos with pride, but if we aren’t writing, educating, or leading, we aren’t getting elbow deep in the dirty work that has to be done to protect the peoples who are most threatened by POTUS: women, minorities, LGBTQ people, sex workers, and the working class.
Donate a little money to an organization doing good work, or support your friend’s progressive work, at the very least. The future is female? Show me.
Thursday, January 19th, 2017
While it might be tempting to drink oneself into oblivion, I’m going to keep my brain as polished as possible for the next four years, because living in Dystopia with a hangover seems like two types of misery.
Thursday, January 5th, 2017
It's five days into the new year and I haven't written "2016" on anything, so I consider myself highly successful, thus far.
Saturday, December 31st, 2016
So you want to do a complete life overhaul? That's great! Here's a tip, backed by hundreds of academic studies, interviews and research, in a rad book that's helped me for the last couple of years:
- Make small changes to your daily habits, one at a time.
- Once that small change becomes a habit, you can move to the next goal.
*If you attempt too many changes at once, you disrupt and frustrate your daily cycles, and that is why so many people burn out so quickly*
"At one point, we all consciously decided how much to eat and what to focus on when we got to the office, how often to have a drink or when to go for a jog. Then we stopped making a choice, and the behavior became automatic. It's a natural consequence of our neurology... you can rebuild those patterns whichever way you choose." - The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg.
Sers, if you can read this book, great. If not, make a list of goals, and tackle them one by one. You can do it.
Friday, December 30th, 2016
California might finally vote to allow law enforcement to treat child "prostitution" as what it actually is: trafficking.
The age of consent is 18, and since children legally can't consent to sell sex, and because of SB1322, they will no longer be arrested and prosecuted, as they have been.
This could be a huge victory, as it will save money that is wasted on further criminalizing minors who are either trying to live independently, or are under pimp control.
It will allow law enforcement to focus on pursuing adult traffickers and enslavers. Thank you, California Democrats.
Tuesday, December 27th, 2016
Ya’ll love me despite my typos, thank youuuuuuuu.
Monday, December 26th, 2016
This will piss somebody off but I put kale on pizza today and it was gooooood.
Sunday, December 25th, 2016
My body is screaming at me because I danced so hard, but last night was a gift of many gracious visitors to Lucky Devil. Thank you.
Friday, December 23rd, 2016
If you ever see a "prevent rape" video that begins by saying that rapists target women with ponytails, don’t reblog or share that garbage.
This POS has been viral for ten years, and it spreads false info for the sake of ad-clicks. UGH. And please don’t send it to me via social media, I will delete you.
Thursday, December 22nd, 2016
You guys, I am in BJ prep-mode, level 9000. I have a hair tie on my wrist. I have chapstick in my bra. I’m actually wearing a bra. My face is washed. I put on extra mascara in case he wants to smear my eyes and fuck up my face. I have water by the bed. My hair is wet and wavy. I even brushed my teeth. I. Am. Ready.
...Tell me about your prep rituals, for marathon sex or whatever. Email Fuck@unzippedpdx.com.
Friday, December 16th, 2016
The credit union teller asked my daughter what she wants for Christmas. She said, "I want a dark blue remote control car with analog controllers. Mommy wants money."
We all had a good laugh. But really.
Thursday, December 15th, 2016
My current boyfriend is younger than me: I just sent him a photo from my 2005 Suicidegirls days, and it’s confirmed that he saw me naked about a decade before we met IRL. I feel some role play coming on.
Tuesday, December 13th, 2016
"Mommy, what are you DOING?" Bird saw me quickly slide a tampon between my legs, toss the plastic into the trash can, and stand.
"I"m putting a tampon into my vagina to soak up the blood that comes out of my vagina every month. When this happens, it’s called a period. Most adult ladies get their periods, it means they can have babies."
... She lets me finish the sentence before laughing and toddling away.
These conversations are easy if you keep them simple. It’s getting them dressed, fed, brushed and out the door by 7:30 a.m that’s difficult.
Saturday, December 10th, 2016
Some kid just called me a cissexist on IG because I used the phrase, "people with vaginas," and I want to tell these children to stop using Tumblr more than their frontal lobes.
Monday, December 5th, 2016
The "#YesAStripper" art show runs until January 6th at Champagne Room Gallery, 5300 SE Foster Rd. You can buy a copy of the book I published, "Strange Times: Tales from American Strippers", for $10.
Sunday, December 4th, 2016
My boyfriend on threesomes: "If I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time, I’d go to dinner with my parents."
Friday, December 2nd, 2016
There is a 90% chance that I will be going back to school to earn degrees that I can use after my stripper knees explode,
and this means I will 100% have less time to respond to emails, plz forgive me...
...anyway, I think that I would make a great sex therapist.
Wednesday, November 30th, 2016
What’s the title of your autobiography?
Mine would be, "Sweaty Girls Eating Cheese: The Inspiration I Found in the Dressing Room."
Monday, November 28th, 2016
There are about 26 different faiths under the umbrella of Christianity...
...and I’ve had so many knock on my door in the last few months, that it’s about goddamn time that I get a "No Solicitors"placard.
Monday, November 21, 2016
Every time that I kick my daughter’s bath toys to the side before I urinate in the shower, I think, "I’m such a good parent."
Friday, November 18, 2016
I just learned that I can’t comfortably masturbate in my new office chair, and I wonder if that’s a legitimate comment for a reviews thread.
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Quotes of the Week: People are Losing Their Minds Edition
"That guy just told me my ass is too flat to spend $20."
"Death seems nice, right about now."
"My woman mowed the lawn and then mailed me her sweaty panties."
"Please don’t disrespect my co-workers, and everyone will have a better time."
"Is he harassing you?"
"This supermoon looks like all the other supermoons."
"I’ll get the bouncer."
"Slap me and tell me I’m you’re girlfriend."
"If a truck comes crashing through this wall, do I get a discount?"
"We all just got out, she was my celly, and he was his celly, can we get a dance?"
"This is my husband. You look good on top of him."
"You don’t work here, you’re too pretty."
"I’m sorry about my comment last week, I brought you some books from your wishlist to apologize."
"Can I find out where I can buy a pepper spray from a business that doesn’t support Trump?"
"Is that guy bothering you?"
"Can you just cuddle me?"
"Did I cross a boundary?"
"Somebody called him a "ch*nk", in Portland. He’s lived here all his life, and this is new."
"The Indians aren’t using the roads for their horses, so why do they care where they drill?"
"Harassment has skyrocketed in the server industry, too."
"All of my trans clients are suicidal, because of this election."
"It won’t always be like this. Keep telling yourself that."
"Are you due for your period also?"
"I love you." ... "..I love you too."
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Today in the holiday aisles of Target, our four year-old proudly announced that she’s going to get me an "adult toy" for my stocking.
That was a crowd pleaser.
Saturday, November 12, 2016
Friends, Can we please stop suggesting to other women that we carry knives?
There has been a huge increase in sexual assault against my peers in the last four days, but nobody should be using a knife unless they are properly trained in wielding one.
I only knife-trained for about a year under Justin Norton (RIP, buddy), but I don’t even carry one, because:
It’s really easy to disarm a smaller person with a knife, especially if your assailant has a longer reach (longer arms/legs) and can simply punch your arm, in which case it’s reflexive to drop what you’re holding,
Now they can use the knife on you.
Please please please carry spray, or use your keys if you feel like you need a concealed weapon.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Women, poor people, disabled people, trans people, fat people, Black people, Brown people: specifically Muslims and Mexicans, gay and queer people&mdashbasically anyone that #TP has slandered:
This is our chance to get together and work together.
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
My weekly therapy appointment begins in thirty minutes and I think she and I will be checking our cell phones throughout.
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Trump is Hitler 2016. I live in an industrial area and with blue collar working class peoples, mostly white and Latino. I see a lot of work trucks with Trump/Pence stickers (and Caucasian drivers), and for the last month I held this out the car window in traffic. Usually I receive thumbs-ups, or honks of what seems like affirmation from these other white people. The problem with TP supporters is that they aren’t all "bad", but that their cultural ignorance was lassoed and steered toward equating economic problems with Mexicans and Muslims. I voted for Hillz because there’s too much at stake for a protest vote. Please do the same.
Saturday, November 5, 2016
The next time some dOOd asks me what I’m doing after work, I’m going to say, "Eating brussel sprouts in the bathtub", because that’s what I’m doing now.
Thursday, November 3, 2016
I just told the coffee shop kid to "humor me [my jokes] and I’ll tip you better."
He said, "that sounds good to me!"
Thursday, November 3, 2016
"Men are pussies", is a statement that reinforces sexism by
1) reiterating the notion that weakness isn’t allowed in males, and
2) because the slang use of the word "pussy", which is always used derogatorily, equates [traditional] femininity with negativity.
If you give a shit about feminism and gender equality*, please stop using "pussy" to mean "bad/weak/uncool".
*and if you truly hate people simply because of their gender identity, let’s have a conversation about that too.
Tuesday, November 1st, 2016
My extremely sensitive sense of smell makes sex/life really stressful sometimes.
Judy* was peeing in the dressing room toilet, and from across the room I sniffed twice, and asked if she drinks a lot of kombucha.
John* was cuddling me and I could smell bananas through his skin. "I ate two today!"
Tyler* once showed up for a fuck date, and before I even hugged him I determined that he reeked of hummus and I basically screamed at him, sorry dude.
Steven* gets annoyed when I can sense the stomach acid in his words from across the room, I always know that, "You haven’t eaten enough today."
I can’t chew gum or eat any candy that isn’t fairly natural, because aspartame makes my jaw ache.
If this is my super power, I would like to return it.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
On Sunday at twerk I had a really nice conversation with a forty something man from Utah, who was in town for a work meeting. His industry is oil, he has had sex with two women in his life, one of which is his Jamaican-born wife who, "goes to church a lot". He is voting for Trump, and he has never had a blowjob.
"I’m probably really repressed, sexually. Oh well. I don’t want to be rude, but do you know of any way that I could procure one?"
I actually wanted to be able to point the guy in the right direction; and since people are a product of their own environments, I felt more bad for him than anything else. Poor fella is probably gonna die of heart disease before he gets a mouth on his peen.
Friday, October 21, 2016
Happy International Fisting Day! Vaginas are quite flexible if you know how to communicate with ’em.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
I’m happily tucked in the corner of Little Bird Bistro, and studying:
- two young married couples,
- one elderly married couple, the style of her ring and their dynamic suggests that they’ve been wed about a decade
- one newly partnered couple, together less than a year because they are very easily sexually excited by the other, especially after two drinks, and they seem eager to reassure the other person’s emotions. no rings either.
- one married woman hitting on her male companion
- two women who look like sisters or cousins, discussing something traumatic
It’s fun to play this game, although I rarely know if I’m correct.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
The Weeknd has like five different songs about strippers and sex workers being sad and obsessed with him, and it’s like, we get it dude, you’re insecure.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
He’s standing, and I’m sitting at his post. The tall bar-stool has carved a groove in the wall from years of bored bouncers leaning into and flopping upon it.
To the right of the barstool, the front door faces the dairy factory and the parking lot. To the left, sits the small bar and bartender, and straight ahead of that chair, is the stage.
The good bouncers remain here for much of the shift, moving mostly to assist drunk people with the nearby ATM, gather trash bags from the kitchen, or watch the stage to catch patrons who are misbehaving.
Andrew* is a good bouncer, and everyone agrees on this. "Good working with you tonight, darlin’, see you next week I hope."
The girls in the dressing room bat their eyes and put a hand to their chests when they consider what it might be like if he wasn’t so married.
Handsome never had much of an effect on me, but Andrew is a good bouncer, and so I like sitting next to him, and I like working with him.
Tonight, as always, his empty coffee cup from the local drive-thru is nearby, out of sight from the crowd. We talk about our kids. Sometimes I’ll talk about dating, if he asks.
I ask him about his woman. I met her once, she was pleasant and pretty. His wife and my brain share a similar affliction. He can tell me about her mental health without saying much.
Tonight I am unwell. I am slowly crawling toward a panic attack and I know it and I suspect that everyone knows it, and the chair again pushes into the wall as I shift my weight to the other side of my person.
"Are you doin’ okay?"
I am not doing okay. I’m thinking of the men who crawled inside of me, or carved out slices of what they thought would be useful for their selves. I’m touching my wrists, and wondering if I can find inches of skin on my body that any man will feed. And instead I tell Andrew a truth, because I know that he will not repeat it, and that he will understand.
- - - -
The room is moving, but we are not. I see Andrew and I see myself in the opposite mirror, straight ahead. His skin is covered, dressed in black, and I know that a bulletproof vest hides under the buttons on his torso. My skin is mostly exposed and thin, sheer fabric covers my sex organs. And my self is propped on the chair that is quietly being carved into the wall. If the chair does not move and the wall does not change, the hole will become bigger.
I see his head turn to look at me, and I hear him say, "I’ll never hurt you, and you know that I love you, okay Elle?"
I know what he means, and there is relief when my woman’s brain absorbs the truth that he isn’t trying to fuck me, and it’s a momentary bandage. So I laugh.
And I agree, "We have the perfect relationship, don’t we?" And I love him too, in the only way that I can. So I get up and move because he is an ancillary character, and because that chair isn’t going anywhere either.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
TitsAndSass.com is news and writing by sex workers.
Check it out, recommend it, fight discrimination with information.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Happy Indigenous Peoples Day.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Flu season is stressful when I’m sexually active, cuz I wake up and can’t tell if I’m getting a sore throat, or if I legit rammed too much D in my mouf the day earlier. I KNOW I’M NOT ALONE IN THIS.
Monday, October 3, 2016
I wish that there was Facebook in the 1930s because I would have been really interested to see the public argument in support of Hitler.
Friday, September 30, 2016
Your self worth is not determined by how other people treat you.
Monday, September 19, 2016
Buster Ross says that I'm "still hot even though I'm old now and we can start working on a new website, punkmilfs.net".
I think that's the sweetest way that someone could have joked on ageism, sexism, while wishing me well and referring to me as a punk.
Friday, September 16, 2016
He’s a lawyer from Alaska. Or so he’s told me, once, when I asked. I believe him. Because otherwise I have no story to build around this stranger.
He has shoulder-length hair and heavy eyebrows. He speaks simply and confidently. He sits still and watches the room. He wants to smell and to be touched. The other girls leave him alone, because he does not look friendly. And they know he is not there for them.
I’m fond of his presence. He’s easy to dance for, and I feel safe with this human man. On my list of clients, he’s near the top. Most of his clients are poor alcoholics that beat their wives and each other. I wonder if he hates them.
I asked if he had been married once. He didn’t want to talk about it. He’s handsome, in an odd, hard manner. I like his boots. They are laced, brown, formal and yet worn.
Sometimes he gets hard. Sometimes he buries his nose into my hair, and inhales deeply, gripping the couch. I would fuck him. Probably. I’m not going to, and we both understand that. But my close, sweaty touch gives him something to visit.
"Do you think that you are more cynical, or optimistic?"
The question caught me; he was asking something more specific than that. But I don’t lie to my clients unless I dislike them. And so, I considered the question, and responded, "I think that I say cynical things, but I try to think optimistically, so that I don’t become utterly depressed."
He was silent.
"What do you think? What about you?"
He shook his head, "I think I’m a hopeless romantic."
Outside of the door, somewhere in the bar, a glass shattered. He was blinking, staring ahead at the opposite wall. And for once, I didn’t say anything. I took a breath and reached up to stroke his hair. "Me too", I would have said. But nobody ever believes me, when I say it.
I hope he is okay.
Friday, September 2, 2016
THIS JUST IN:
Blue balls isn’t going to kill you, or affect your self-esteem. And besides, the male orgasm typically isn’t even that difficult to come by.
Thursday, September 1st, 2016
I just had a blood draw for my life insurance policy, and the woman taking my sample asked me what I do for work...
When I told her "stripper", she smiled and recalled the time she had ventured into a SE Portland strip club:
"I had wanted to be a stripper since I was sixteen, and then when I turned eighteen I went to audition. I was wearing an Eeyore crop top. I was basically still a kid. I looked around and realized it wasn’t for me. But that pole stuff is really impressive."
The woman is about thirty, like me, and our daughters are close in age. We chatted a bit more, and she told me that the hospice facility in which she also works "is severely understaffed and people have seizures because they aren’t being given their medicine. I hate working there, it puts my license at risk. But, when I need an extra bit of money, I do."
I loved this interaction, because it reminded me how many spaces aren’t well-managed, and that different people will find different jobs suitable for their needs.
AND I didn’t detect any bitterness from her regarding my chosen profession, she had just discovered that it wasn’t one that she would choose.
It was a nice conversation. I wanted to share it with ya’ll.
Wednesday August 31st, 2016
So, in the animal kingdom, we call it "presenting" when a beast makes it known that they want to mate, by assuming a stance or giving off a scent, or preening, whatever.
And in the human animal kingdom, we call it "presentable" when we get dressed up, put makeup on, whatever.
SO that makes me think that to look "presentable" is to look "fuckable". Yes?
Thursday, August 25, 2016
I’ll know that gender equality has been achieved once I can scratch my crotch in public with the same impunity as dudes who be grabbin’ their sacks in the middle of the grocery store.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
You know that feeling when you take your first sip of coffee, and you immediately think, "Oh yeah, this will make me shit my pants"?
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Man with wife: "Hey look at that, show me your tattoos."
Me: "Oh, no thank you."
Man: "Come on, let me see your art."
Me: "Nah, thanks though."
Man: "What’s that there?" (Touches my arm)
Me: "Show me your penis."
(Wife still doesn’t say anything, but doesn’t seem outraged at this)
Me: "Come on, it’s art."
Man: "No, it’s not the same."
Me: "Why not? Penises can totally be art."
Man: "No, it’s more of a shriveled up mushroom at this point."
Me: "Well, this was a fun conversation. Have a nice day."
(Wife is smiling, I’m wondering how she felt about this interaction.)
Friday, August 19, 2016
So, I’m back on Tinder. I actually like that app because I’m able to connect with people that I deem similar in values, based on a few moments of scrutinizing the information that they’ve put forth, via pics and words. However, there are a lot of dealbreakers. It’s fine for people to have preferences, don’t ever forget that.
I swiped left because...
...you’re making a blue steel face
...you’re holding a fish, no I don’t like fishing
...you cut your ex out of the picture
...your child looks like a brat
-I think you were sitting on the toilet in your profile selfie
...we have too many mutual friends
...you are sitting on the toilet in your profile selfie, "ironically"
...you look like you’re about to explode with pent-up rage and that scares me
...all of your phrases! end in! exclamation marks!
...there are more emojis than words
-there are no words
...you wrote a poem or quoted a dead man
...you have a studio picture where it looks like you’re getting a blowjob, like, literally you have a woman’s head facing your groin and her arm is reaching up your chest, and you don’t even do porn.
Thursday, August 18, 2016
If you can’t handle me at my lazy missionary, you don’t deserve me at my marathon face-fuck.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
"Mommy, how did I fit through your vagina? Vagina holes are very small."
"Vagina holes ARE very small, but luckily they can stretch for babies to come out. But you were an extra big baby, so they cut my tummy and pulled you out that way. Then they sewed me up and later I tattooed over the scar."
*blows farts on my hand*
Thursday, August 11, 2016
YOU GUYS I’M A FASCIST AND IT’S ONLY NOON
Small penis jokes are body-shaming and transphobic, stop making them.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
How do you talk to you children about marijuana?
"Hey honey, mommy is going to smoke her medicine [CBD] because her body hurts. It’s not for toddlers, okay?"
"Okay mommy, like coffee will make me sick too. And peanuts make me sick too."
Wow, that was fucking easy.
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Yeah guy in coffee shop who hears me on the phone talking about a former chlamydia treatment (with my life insurance company) while I’m crawling under the table to jerry-rig the laptop charger to the wall with the broken stool, and eating a cold breakie burrito with my other hand, and flipping through multiple tabs, I see you too. Don’t act like you’re not impressed. I FINALLY GOT IT TO STAY IN THE WALL THOUGH.
Thursday, August 4, 2016
The man in line behind me at the coffee shop was visibly nervous; he’s a strip club semi-regular, and this morning he was accompanied by a well dressed woman.
We ignored each other, and I’m sure he will bring it up when I see him at the club.
Don’t worry, I will never "out" you.
Sunday, July 31st, 2016
My AutoCorrect changes "Slutwalk" to "sidewalk" and "butt walk", which are two very important aspects of the event.
This year’s date TBA soon!!
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Oh and I’m a little late to this but I want everyone in the #BernieOrBust and #JillStein camps to think long and hard about what the word "bust" could actually mean for this country.
Voting with your conscience is bullshit, if I was going to do that, I would vote for Indiana Jones cause he seems like a great guy...but he’s not a viable option.
So, since y’all are determined to split the vote; should we schedule the deportations of brown and Black people now or later?
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
I am really beginning to hate going to the hardware store.
I was pulling twenties out of my wallet when the female cashier jokingly asked if I was "spending all of my husband’s money".
I calmly told her that "no, this is mine", but simultaneously I was eye-punching her into the previous century.
Monday, July 25, 2016
Every time a stranger-client tells me, "Your boyfriend is so lucky to have you", I want to text my exes and say SEE SEE I TOLD YOU SO.
Friday, July 22, 2016
Shout out to all of the sex workers in Cleveland right now, I hope that the Republicans are decent clients.
Wednesday July 20, 2016
I’m watching the news and I’m so glad that my daughter can sleep through all of my swearing
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
I’m still dealing with the golden glitter in my stripper bag so the mints that I’m chewing are tainted. My breath will be fresh and my poop will be sparkly.
Monday, July 11, 2016
I’m pretty sure that male feminists are better at sex because they view their partner’s pleasure as equal, so they actually do more than just shudder out some splooge and roll over.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
You guys I just found the Bible verse which forbids tattoos.
Leviticus 19:28: " Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you."
Hmm, where shall I put this on my body?
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
I woke up to news and video of Alton Sterling being shot while he lay on the ground. I watched the video, and everyone should too. Last week when I was at work a (stranger) white man resisted arrest for ten full minutes, he had been drunkenly knocking at my door, and my housemate called 911. We didn't know him, but when we called dispatch later for an update, they informed us that the man had been released to family. Should he have been shot? Of course not. Was he safer from that because of his race? Probably.
Monday, July 4, 2016
Happy Independence Day to those of you who continue the fight for liberties, rather than just rest on laurels.
Friday, July 1st, 2016
The podcast is up! Give a listen to UnzippedPDX.com, or just click on the "Listen" tab above. Please send hatemail or questions to email@example.com.
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Summer is here and it’s that time of year when I’m extra fearful of blemishes on my butt BECAUSE MOSQUITOS WILL RUIN MY HUSTLE.
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
One of my favorite clients just brought me gifts; the book "Shrill", by Lindy West, and a mini field notes pad, so that I might, "take notes on my customers". Well, it IS a jungle out there.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
When I come home from work, I always ask my dog if he had a nice night, because even though he doesn’t have much to say, I get the feeling he appreciates me asking.
Saturday, June 25, 2016
Customer Quotes of the Week:
"You have baby feet."
"Don’t tell my boyfriend that I bought you this weed, he will tease me."
"You are pretty hot for someone who is about to go onstage... I guess that was kind of insulting."
"I read your thing about customers, so what do you think of me?"
"Oh, my god."
"I filed for divorce today. I have a seven-year-old and I’m in my 40s, I feel like I’m starting over."
"I would like to make small talk with you."
Sunday, June 19th 2016
"I’m dealing with some mental illness, and until I tackle those things, you help me to forget them." That man spent an hour with me.
I don’t even know how to be so grateful and humbled at the same time. This job is fucking hard, and I still love it despite that. The strangers who make themselves vulnerable with me are the ones that leave the deepest impressions.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
The new dancer from Olympia told that me my tattoos look "vintage" and then rubbed my pubic hair with her fingers. I wriggled away, as she laughed and walked to the bar. I stood in my heeled boots, stunned, wondering just how stripper-crazy she was. Minutes later she was encouraging a customer to lick her nipples at the bar. This is a no-no in Portland, unless the rules have suddenly changed over night. Sigh. I really wasn’t feeling like dealing with that kind of competition, this evening. My question: can we just decriminalize the sale of sex already, so that the full-service gals and the full-service seeking customers can hang out in the same brick and mortar? I get to be selfish, once in a while. I’m not sure how to sell a dance for $20 or $30, when Olympia is giving out handies for free.
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
I have pole burn on my right, inner labia. That is all.
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
My mom is visiting and we don’t usually talk about things such as this, but she’s reading
her book by the fire, and I’m tapping away at some ethical click bait, so I figure I’d ask
"Hey mom, so, I’m writing this thing on sex tips, and you know when guys go straight to
your nipples, and totally ignore your underboob?"
"Ugh, YES. (throws her head back, spectacles still on her nose) God, I hate that. It’s
like, you might as well have a blow-up-doll if you’re going to skip the foreplay."
I feel like we just bonded.
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Well, I'm marching in a giant vagina for Pride, aka the Wunder Womb. Whatever shall I wear?
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Is it ironic that I’m having a hard time writing about why
we need to continue our conversations about
how we raise young men and women,
rather than just policing young women,
and my brain isn’t working, and I’m wanting to go for a jog,
but I hate jogging because I have been harassed while jogging
so many times?
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
I’m supporting Bernie Sanders until he tells me to quit. The convention is in July.
FDR won the Dem nomination during a contested convention.
If we accept defeat, we’ve definitely already lost.
And hey, if Berns is truly out after that, then there’s still plenty of time to rally with HRC
Wednesday, June 7, 2016
"F_____ why did you sign a petition trying to get me fired?"
Oh, her face twisted up, she didn’t like this question.
I had asked in the dressing room, with a neutral person present, because I’m so sick of these
Mean Girl strippers and their accusations, all made in order to dominate the schedule.
In a nasal whine, "Because you’re mean to me!"
I took a deep breath, "When have I ever been mean to you?"
She slammed the door, I exhaled and turned to the other stripper, who was stretched out on the
lineoleum floor, "I’m sorry you had to be present for that."
Later, the bouncer pulled me aside, "F_____ said you attacked her in the dressing
Okay. And the video/audio showed that I did not.
I wonder how people like this live happily with their Self, and the truth is, I don’t believe
that that they do.
Monday, June 6, 2016
88 degrees Farenheit indoors and I’m sat on a yoga mat.
Two fans are blowing fast, my daughter is munching grapes in her underwear.
The neighbor is running a skill saw, and I’ll be painting over olive walls pretty soon.
It’s quiet otherwise. It’s my night off.
I let the man pull gently on my nipples in the downtown club last Thursday; management knows that
I’m not going to let anyone penetrate me.
Yeah right, as if I need another reason to get a yeast infection.
The dog is looking for squirrels in the back yard.
I enjoy these quiet nights. My brain needs to rest.
Saturday, June 4, 2016
I put garden shears on my Amazon wishlist because I like people to be aroused by my domesticity.
Friday, June 3, 2016
I just rubbed a "Make America Great Again" hat allllll over my butthole. Stomped on it.
Buttholed it again. The bachelor party seemed pleased that the hat had finally been given the attention
Thursday, June 2, 2016
I had stepped out of my car and was walking up the street for half a block when a man across at Doug
Fir called out to me that I am "really pretty when I smile".
I turned to say look and then he tripped on the curb and his two friends started laughing.
The bouncer across the street at Trio Lounge saw it too and started laughing.
He raises his hands as he looks to the heavens and cries "This is my life, oh my god, this is
ALWAYS my life, you guys."
So that was cute. I love Burnside.
Wednesday, June 1st, 2016
Thank you to the Human Sexuality class at Portland Community College that just sat through 90 minutes
of discussion and presentation by me, about sex work, stripping, consent, and misogyny.
Tuesday, May 31st, 2016
I stepped out of the car at the gas station to throw something in the trash and two men at opposite
ends of the parking lot decided to shout similar things from their windows, regarding my body, at the
I continued with my activity and acted as if I did not hear either one, but peripherally I could see
that both of them might have realized the absurdity of the entire thing.
At least, as much as men who shout things at women, can.